John Boehner: What Happens if the Man with the Orange Punim becomes Speaker

Congressman John Boehner golfing by Keith Allison

I am navigating Al and his brother Mark to their destination, a conference aptly named Fifteen Ways to Insult Your Brother; Al is behind the wheel. The brothers are passionate communicators—screaming, yelling and cursing; they adore each other; they agree on nothing.  

Giving directions to the brothers is no picnic; I turn up my volume, but I still can’t hear my navigation; I tune into their conversation.

The topic of discussion is the November election; Mark worries that Congressman Boehner, The Man with the Orange Punim, will become Speaker if Democrats don’t bother to vote.  Al would like to see Democrats lose; he doesn’t want his taxes raised; he hates government spending, and he’s a fan of tea parties.

 “Al, you Schmuck of Schmucks,” Mark’s education campaign begins: “If that corporation disguised as a politician controls the house, say good-bye to social security; say good-bye to the 14^th amendment; forget about protection for people who work and forget about the environment.” 

“Mr. Socialist-Drek,” screams Al, “The Orange Punim will lower the deficit and stop that farcocht government spending.”

“Putz, why so selfish,” asks Mark? “What kind of society do you want to live in; we have to pay for services in a civil society—that’s what makes it civil!”

Mark is screaming at Al; Al is screaming at Mark, while my signal desperately tries to navigate.

Finally, I shout, “Al—boychic , if you want to get to your conference on time, then make a left turn in 500 feet.”   

From left field, Al starts yelling at me. “Why are you siding with my brother Mark—why not a right turn,” he asks suspiciously?  “SAGE, this is a left turn conspiracy, and I don’t like it one bit,” Al continues.

“Al, that’s right, it is a left turn conspiracy; enough with right turns already,” I joke.  My joke falls flat, but the brothers calm down. Al offers Mark a tic-tac; they talk about their kids, and they arrive at the conference on time. 

Now it’s time for my beauty rest –on the left side of the dashboard; I need to ready myself for Part 2 of—“The Man with Orange Punim.”

Glossary:

Yiddish/Yid-English                                            English
-Shmuck                                                              -Idiot
-Putz                                                                    -Jerk
-Punim                                                                 -Face
-Boychic                                                              -Affectionate term for a male
-Farcoct                                                              -Shit