Senator McConnell’s Soaring Deficit is Replaced by a Heart with Empathy Valves

Human Heart with 'Empathy' Valves

I’m on a Mitvah Mission. I am about to deliver a unique gift to Senate Minority Leader, Mitch McConnell.  I’m grateful that the Senator sandwiched me in between a meeting with a coal company executive and a lobbyist for BP.

“Mr. Senator--what a pleasure to meet you,” I greet him, “you’ve been such a motivation for me and so many others—you can’t imagine.  More than once, your actions have moved me to tears; in fact, your recent voting record had me crying for days.”

• A vote against strong financial regulation
• Not permitting a vote for Obama’s judicial appointees 
•   Holding up a vote for the extension of unemployment benefits 
•   Killing Climate Change legislation

“Senator, I could go on, but I’ll cut to the chase—here's a gift—A Heart with Empathy Valves.”  I continue: “As a legislator without a heart, it’s my duty to you and my fellow citizens to accommodate your soaring deficit—and believe me—I care as much about addressing big deficits as you do.”

I give our stunned Minority Leader a tour of his new heart: “Sir, happily your heart will cover up the obstruction you currently have.” I point to the space above his rib cage where a heart normally resides.

“Senator,” I explain, “Here’s how your heart works. If you try to cut food stamps for the neediest Americans, your empathy valves’ alert button will stop you in your tracks; you’ll hear, “Mitchie—shame on you—don’t you dare do that."

“No longer will you act alone—your ever-ready empathic valves will accompany you on each and every piece of legislation that crosses your desk.” 

Sadly, our heart recipient looks terrified, and my Yiddisha heart wells up with—what else—empathy.  “Listen Jello-Pudding and Pie Filling—I mean Senator,” I say, “acting on behalf of regular Americans is an acquired taste, and you may get used to it and even like it!” A good pep talk has always been my forte.

“And guess what, Senator,” I cheerfully add, “your best friend, Humana Insurance, has agreed to pay for your heart installation; they owe you.”  He agrees. 

“Finally Sir, I brought you your favorite—blintzes and sour crème, in order to celebrate this auspicious occasion; please join me,” I invite him.   The Senator politely declines—he can't keep BP waiting any longer.

Now it’s your turn, readers—you tell me: do you think his body will accept or reject his heart with empathy valves?  I’m dying to hear from you....

Glossary:

Yiddish/Yinglish                                  English 

-Mitvah                                               -A good deed

-Yiddisha heart                                    -Big hearted

Reference:  Jello Pudding and Pie Filling, a tasty, sugar-filled treat from childhood and a term of endearment.