Liz: Recalculate Your Relationship with Your Mother!

Unhappy Liz:  Recalculate Your Relationship with Your Mother

Sage as GPS Counselor

The sun is shining as I sit comfortably on the dashboard of Liz’s fancy, shmancy Prius. I lost weight, so I take up less room on the dash; I’m quite a looker, if I say so myself. 

Liz, the driver, is anxious.  She’s poking me as she tries to program her destination—fidgety fingers mean she drank too much coffee. 

The first words out of her mouth--”Shit, shit, shit, I hate you, GPS!”  I don’t take it personally; I hear it all of the time.  When someone is having a problem programming their destination, they hate me.  Go figua?

Liz’s fidgeting starts to annoy me; it’s time to intervene.  “Maidala,” I say, “Take your time—a deep breath will help you focus; you could program me, and we’ll both be the better for it.” 

 Liz apologizes and we are on our merry way.  Merry may be an overstatement—we’re on our way.  Liz doesn’t want to talk so I hum a tune while she drives.

Out of the blue, Liz decides to make a left turn when my signal doesn’t call for it. I must tell her to recalculate; she won’t want to hear that, but it’s my job. A soft approach is called for:  “Honey bunch, recalculate—recalculate darling,” I say in a soothing voice.

She stares at me and bursts into tears. “What’s the problem, doll face,” I ask?  She tells me that she doesn’t want to go to her mother’s new house.  “So, why we are driving there, if you don’t want to go,” I ask. She says, “I have to go!”  “What’s have to---why are we going,” I ask again.  

Liz confides in me:  her mother criticizes her consistently: she doesn’t like her boyfriend; she doesn’t like her pierced pupik—she doesn’t like that she has opinions.  “Is she Jewish,” I ask? “No," replies Liz; “she’s mean.”

“Liz,” I say firmly, “It’s time to recalculate your relationship with your mother; if you don’t like what she says and how she says it, tell her that!” 

Seeing Lizzy’s distress, I shift my signal to a more 'supportive' mode--naughty collusion: “Lizzy dear, do you want my signal to malfunction while you make a decision? We can’t go anywhere if I can’t get a signal,” I wink at her.  

 “I want to go home,” she yells out.  “Fine,” I say, “but first you have to call your mother and tell her you are not coming; every mother deserves that whether she’s mean or not.”

 “A no-show is no good,” I add.  Liz calls her mother and tells her that she’s not feeling well so she won’t be coming. 

“A white lie—that’s not the recalculate I had in mind,” I tease her.  She’s embarrassed. “Look, a white lie is better than a no-show,” I chuckle. She’s relieved, and I’m happy that she’s relieved.

 The drive home is very merry.  And that sun on the dashboard feels so good—I am in heaven.

Glossary

Yiddish/Yinglish                                              English

-Maidala                                                           -Girl

-Pupik                                                              -Navel