Forget Starbucks---Who Needs All These Coffee Choices

Cafe Americano by Lara 604

I am visiting a swanky, new coffee house in my neighborhood; a ‘Coffee Concierge’, named Seth greets me at the door.  There looks to be 200 types of coffee drinks; I cancel my plans for the morning—reading the menu will take two hours.  

The coffee menu looks like a multiple choice test: blend, strength, roast, country of origin, etc. Maybe this is an application for citizenship—who knows?

I tell Seth that I get a horrible case of shpilkes before taking tests; he asks if the word shpilkes is a foreign language or a disease; “Neither Silly, it’s Yiddish,” I happily reply.

 Afraid my indecision will lead to an assault by the caffeine starved masses waiting behind me, I decide to cheat on the test:  “Seth,” I ask, “can you answer the coffee quiz—I don’t think you’ll get into trouble.”  He chooses my drink. I’m thankful, and he’s trouble-free—a real win-win!

Wait! We’re not finished—Seth escorts me to the MILK table; a dizzying array of milk thermoses stops me in my tracks with choices that no one deserves: non-fat, low-fat, two percent, soy, rice, lactose free, almond, goat, sheep—STOP---my mind becomes a wondering Jew.  

“Why no breast milk,” I yell out in jest—“it’s the only choice missing—is this discrimination against women?” Some poor shmuck hears my rant; she says she is going to fill out a customer suggestion form requesting the café add breast milk as an option. Seth follows with an apology; Oy! He thinks I am serious too—where’s a sense of humor around here— in a thermos?

I need to find a seat; generations X, Y, Z—and beyond fill the tables.   I think, “These kids need jobs—a future--not choices between rice milk and soy milk.”  

I spot a table of Gen Xers and introduce myself: “Hi, I’m Sage from Generation X-rated.” A sweetheart tells me that the café is his office; he does his work online, drinks about five cups of coffee daily and feels quite productive.  

“An office space—huh—now I understand why my cup of coffee costs as much as a mortgage payment,” I share.  I settle in with my new friends, and enjoy my Ethiopian blend with a mellow aftertaste—a blend tailored to my ‘needs’.  

Is my expensive, tailored coffee delicious— absolutely; is this pricey, tailored drink necessary—not so much. 

Glossary:

Yiddish/Yinglish                                                            English
-Shpilkes                                                                         -Anxious/nervous
-Shmuck                                                                         -Idiot